silver linings

I don’t want to sound like another twenty-something who’s having quarter life crisis attacks but the truth is, I think I am about to go through a lot of tough realizations about the things that I have achieved for the past 25 years of my existence. So I think, yes, this is the start of quarter life crisis—and I can’t seem to fight it. Fooling myself into thinking that I am okay does not work anymore so I guess I am left with no other option but to rant about it.

While there are a lot of things to be thankful for like my stable job as a trainer, my loving partner, my steady family, and the tons of books that  I have, I still feel like there’s an empty spot in my life that I may not be able to fill in no matter what I do. Ever since I graduated from college, I have been officially ordained as an adult and being an adult means great possibilities and added responsibilities. The first two years of my life as a grown-up has been so rewarding because unlike most of the people I know,  I have found a decent-paying job. While others are still waiting for better opportunities and frittering away time in the comforts of their home, sustaining on their meager adult allowance, I was earning more than what I was supposed to earn. Switching gadgets was done on a semi-quarterly basis, shopping for clothes was like ordering fast food, and my whims and needs were barely delineated because I can dictate which things will be my necessities for today and which will be classified as luxury for tomorrow. I thought that I was on top of everyone, that I finally have the chance to belittle those who have belittled me in the past because I am now taller than them in so many ways. Little did I know that I was the one who wasted too much time on my delusions of being great. Yes, I have achieved so much at an early age but I can’t feel the sense of my achievements because there are other people that I know who seemed as if they are just simply enjoying their lives. They didn’t cram for promotions, they did not struggle to meet monthly targets, and they had all the time in the world to write, take photos, and travel. I, on the other hand, have been too preoccupied with gathering accolades which only I could appreciate.  My twenty-something life has been spent too much on fulfilling responsibilities to the point of overlooking my possibilities.  

Irrational as it may seem but I felt like I have not been living my life to the fullest because I have been depriving myself of adventures and misadventures. I have been scared for years to explore and feel uncertainty. I have relied heavily on my planner and my tight budget. I did not follow my heart and I did not experience how it was like to wait for something that I think I truly deserve.  My art has been forsaken because my I allowed my profession to matter more than my passion. I have stopped learning about the world and instead I focused on knowing the little mundane things that will keep me afloat as an employee. Daily routines and heightened expectations of the pay day choked my imagination, severed my wanderlust, and confined my yearning for random creativity. Counting clock ins and clock outs has replaced my hobby of gazing at seats to count the names and numbers of strangers either seeking for love or sex. Balancing my budget became a habit to substitute my penchant for curlicues and jagged lines. Too much order in my life left a blank space that’s too difficult to conquer for my inner writer.     

Some may say that this is probably a phase and I will eventually get through this. Everything will soon be okay and all that blah but for someone like me who values the idea of planning and getting the answers that I need in a snap, this uncertainty scares me. It’s like waking every day and knowing your habits but doing things without a clear purpose. I can make myself believe that I still have the flaring artistic vibe but I think it’s too late for me to prove my mettle. For now, I will just wallow and expect that this too, shall pass.